the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
