I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
