she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
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