so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
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you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
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I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.