Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.