Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.