I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
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Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction