I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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