I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
