we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds