I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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