i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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