We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
