We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
