How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
