I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
