How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
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He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES