if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us