Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.