I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
