Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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