Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
