Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Randomize
