Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry about my life...
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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