I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
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Sober January is a disaster.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
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One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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