Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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