I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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