I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
