i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
