Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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