You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
