Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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