it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
