there's paper in my vomit.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
ok first of all what the fuck
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
