I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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