He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
