she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
