yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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