You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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