R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Randomize
