I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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