Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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