it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
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I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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