JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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