Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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