you turned your livingroom into a bong?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
