Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
