My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
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Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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