That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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