I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
