I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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