Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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