Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
