I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
