Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
