Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
