ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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