you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
