it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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