I can feel you judging me through the phone.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
